"No Faces"

In 2011, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I’ve self medicated with drugs and alcohol. I’ve secluded myself from loved ones... recently become a workaholic to the point on my rare days off, I can’t even tell you who I am anymore. 

The Good:
When I’m manic, I have the highest of highs. I'm energetic, charismatic, the life of the party. I become extroverted and connected. I see the world through rose colored glasses with a childlike wonder most adults put aside many moons ago. I can express myself freely with no second thought of how I’ll be perceived or if I’ll be accepted.

The Bad:
What goes up must come down right? When my depression returns, it doesn’t call ahead or knock on the door. I wake up in the morning and there it is, the dark cloud hovering above head, back with a vengeance. I become aware that I’m not living but merely existing. I reluctantly roll out of bed with a dark cloud over my head. Brush my teeth and look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the face staring back at me. I proceed to take a shower and I think about the purpose of my life....i draw a blank. I go to get dressed but I find myself sitting at the edge of my bed wondering how I got here. Eventually I throw on a pair ripped sweatpants and an old t-shirt and go about my mundane day. And then I do it again tomorrow. You see, the worse part about my depression is it isn’t cause of anything in particular, it comes from within. It comes from knowing the person I am and the person I’m supposed to be are not the same person. Someday they will be.

During photo session- "you know I had to dig deep to talk about this. It's like that thing you hide from yourself that you really need to look for". 

 So if I had to choose a place where my depression stems from, I would have to say being taken advantage of by someone completely unexpected and then placing the blame on myself for everything....I encouraged everything and by the time I caught my breath...it was too late.  I had one person that understood and they left too which sent me spiraling even deeper into depression. Nothing else mattered after they were gone. I started drinking more, partying more, hanging out with wild ass people just so I didn’t have to feel any pain.

I haven’t healed from any of these things yet...they literally haunt me everyday, unfortunately. 

My main battle is postpartum depression. My child is 13 months old and I still feel it to this day. I don’t know if there is a such thing as prepartum depression. But I started feeling down before my son was even born. No one ever tells you this but, pregnancy is very lonely. I never wanted to talk about it because I didn’t want to feel selfish because there are so many people in this world that wish they could get pregnant and are struggling. So that brought me a lot of guilt before and after having a baby.

Something that helps me deal with it now is just having friends and family to talk to me about it and make me feel like my feelings are normal. Makes me feel like I’m not the only one going through these feelings of not feeling like you aren’t doing enough for your child or spouse. That is were a lot of guilt comes into place...when you feel like you aren’t doing enough. Feeling inadequate. Feeling like someone completely different and just wanting to feel like your old self. 

I can remember when I got into severe credit card debt because school became more demanding and I wasn't able to work as much as I wanted  to, to keep up with the life style I was choosing. When I actually looked at the amount of debt I was in ,with just credit cards, I was embarrassed and ashamed. Calls from credit collectors gave me anxiety. I think what made it worst was no one knew what I was going through and people thought I had it all together....got so deep and overwhelming , I decided to tell my mom. I was looking for someone to help me fix the mess I created... the debt was so much I remember not being able to afford my cap and gown for graduation and my sister going to my mom insisting she help me pay for it because my mom originally refused. I remember driving to Long Island with my gas tank on E serval times trying to make at least some money to get by and attempt to pay my bills. I remember failing my boards and my friend paying for me to retake it. I came out of college with 2 degrees but had a summer youth job paying $7/hr for 4-5hrs 5 days/ week.

What helped you?
that time in my life was one of the most humbling! I always drew on God’s strength ...I always prayed...remember still going to church and giving the last $20 to my name knowing God would provide...and He did...still does.

 I'd been calling out of work 2-3x a week just to stay in bed for months, didn't care about anything although I worked hard to make it look like I did... not even sure how I made it through my last semester at the time.... didn't care to eat..nothing had taste; so I lost 30lbs in 5wks... therapy helped for the hour I was there but then it was back to the apartment I worked hard to get and now meant nothing.... back to studying for my dream job that I no longer cared about... Nothing worked.

Your thoughts can really be your worst enemy..... I would say this was all tied to one event but I think that was just what opened the flood gates. People build an expectation of you that u can't always live up to so you hide the really bad times. You get your hair done, party, put up pics.... just to go right back into that hole. I don't even think most of them knew I had major depression...I don't think I even knew.

Building an active relationship with God took me out of it... I journal, read a lot of positive affirmation books...and i use all that now to help people....I can literally sit for hours and hear someone talk about the same thing over and over and offer them a new way to deal with it each time. I hate thinking someone is going through something and has nowhere to go. Helping people helps me.

 Feeling disconnected...my relationship, my friendships...just the fear of them seeing me as weak ... even though I know me saying I'm weak is strong....truly believe therapy would work. Mental health is just like any other health care need; I think people just don't see that. If I had cancer right now this would be a different dialogue. But to talk about the sickness I currently have, the depression...(silence). 

I know the steps to work through it but I don't actually work through it. 

The role of primary caregiver for my late aunt-diagnosed with Alzheimer's- was given to me by default. There were times when the task of coordinating care and other activities for daily living triggered anxiety because I was afraid of being inadequate in helping her

Traveling with her was extremely difficult as there were these lingering thoughts of- would she cooperate with the early risings?  what could come up with travelling with a disabled individual?
One time at the beginning of TSA era, a security guard told her to remove her shoe and she promptly popped out her dentures. I immediately intervened and got her to cooperate. We all laughed about it including her because she insisted that she heard dentures.
I started preparing her, and myself, weeks ahead by mentioning trips several times in our conversations...I kept her engaged with the packing, carefully assessing for any indicators of deficiencies,  got her into bed early and also prepared myself mentally for anything that could possibly go wrong.
This illness brought many stressors and anxieties but it also taught us a lot about family, coordination, society and the fallibility of being human. We grew in faith and together ensured the most comfortable life for our beloved Aunt.

This all has made me into a better human being, having to be patient, tenderhearted and kind to everyone who supported us even in the smallest ways and now I’m more mindful of people who appear to be "abnormal". They may just need some reassurance, maybe a smile or nod to help them function as normal as possible

I should've known my relationship wasn't a healthy one, as it started off with lies and hurts but, I forgave him and the relationship continued. There are some traumas from that which still affect me to this day.

When I watch movies or hear stories about similar situations it brings me back to my own. I'm more observant about certain things...people's movements or hand placements.

I believe what helps me cope with this situations varies. But it makes me feel better getting that emotion out. Sometimes I pray. Praying has been working for me better lately.